June 14, 2006
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I’ve heard it said by peers who have also left places and people behind often in their lives that there comes a numbness after a while, a desensitivity to good-byes and pain and grief. I wish, sometimes, that that was my tendency. I have never been able to long ignore the pain of saying good-bye, and often I probably anticipate it way too far in advance. I wish I could possibly convey the thoughts and emotions of leaving home for the “final” time. So many have told me that it can’t possibly be the last time; I don’t really care. As far as being the home of my entire family, it’s over. Maybe I’ll return one day, but that’s beside the point. If your family has ever uprooted from a dear home, you’ll know the finality that I feel. At least I can be assured that, whenever I feel incapable of deep emotion, I have only to return to Germany and I will once more feel deeper than I ever could wish to feel.
Thankfully, in the years since I graduated, the feelings have changed. I do feel more joy and less poignant grief; I am able to enjoy places for themselves, as opposed to just facing raw memories of what once was. Is it possible that that joy adds a new dimension to pain? Have you ever felt hurt by happiness? I guess it can’t be described, only lived.
So many new memories have been added to the old ones as well. Sonne, wildflower bouquets, campfires and smores, siedler von catan and zug um zug, running, stargazing, basel and bridges, lacoste, grad, kirchwasser ice cream, difficult e-mails, packing, crying, saying good-bye, leaving. It would almost be comforting to know that I am the only person in the world who experiences such things. That would legitimize prolonged grief and an innate resistance to moving on. But I can’t. I must look forward to new hallways and new joys and new people. Some people naturally look towards the future with hope and excitement, always assuming it will be better than the past. I admit that I am not one of those people. It is a struggle to see a better future when the past has been so grand. I wish there was a switch inside of me that would change this part of me, but it remains a struggle and a battle.
I’ve been given too much time to think, perhaps. I am just processing, and sharing only the tip of the iceberg of my thoughts and struggles. I’m not looking for comments, by the way. Please don’t tell me that you know how I feel, because it’s not true, and doubtless I have no idea how you feel, either. But I definitely applaud you if you actually reached the end of this terribly long post.
Comments (7)
I won’t tell you that I know how you feel. I will, however, tell you that I’ve felt exactly the same way
Allow yourself to feel fully the grief of loss and sadness. Soak in it and don’t feel like you need to tell yourself happy anecdotes to help with the pain. Sooner or later, it will fade, though the bittersweet feelings will always remain…and that’s a good thing.
Good luck with your internship, Sarah! It was also great to see you here! I do miss this place like CRAZY…but I realize that I couldn’t miss it so much if it weren’t so good. Ahhh, isn’t life crazy like that? That happiness makes us hurt. Crazy…but so good.
Sarah, so beautifully expressed! I am amazed that a young lady who is so lovely continues to become lovelier inside and out! My prayers go with you and as long as I live here, you KNOW you have place to hang your hat and drink some tea or have a crepe! I love you and hope you DO come back sooner than later! hugs, Renee
I shall quote you, “It is a struggle to see a better future when the past has been so grand.”
oh how these words ring true… have you ever read Surprised By Joy by C.S. Lewis? It did me a world of good..
Anyway, as for football………yeah, no one here even seems to know the World Cup is happening right now (and I do mean THE, in the grandest sense of the word.) The maddness of fans in pretty much every other corner of the earth is never exprienced here. I’m glad you saw some matches in Germany. We’ll just have to keep up the fire over here. =)
p.s. i really like your new xanga look!
i know how you feel. about people not knowing how you feel.
hahaha. I”M LEAVING TUESDAY! i’m really happy… REALLY happy.
someone is posting really good stuff that is vulnerable!
wow…my stomach definitely knotted up and I still feel like I’m going to cry just thinking about all that you said here…SO wonderfully expressed. I’m definitely in that numbness stage right now – a type of denial. About leaving Germany again until who-knows-when… about my family leaving Uzbekistan… about the loss of my grandmother. I think I’ve been refusing to think about it because it hurts too much to do so. Yep, definitely crying now. Man…hard to look back…so much to look forward to at the same time, but sometimes I feel like I’m doing neither. Just existing…failing to feel at all….But, like you said: “At least I can be assured that, whenever I feel incapable of deep emotion, I have only to return to Germany and I will once more feel deeper than I ever could wish to feel.” So true…
Well, I’m back in Texas, spending time with my grandparents. Today involved doing very little besides helping my grandmother cook. Tomorrow I plan to take advantage of the swimming pool right outside as well as work a bit on my summer course…maybe even read a book. (!!!) Oh, and I may have found another lead on Stan…I found a cell number that I got from her mom AFTER she gave that other cell to her mom…I’m going to try both tomorrow to see what I can find…and Amy has Stan’s grandfather’s number…I’m going to try that one too…Anyways, I hope you’re doing well…are you in DC yet? I should give you my aunt’s contact info. She’s absolutely amazing and I’m sure she would love to help if you ever need anything…
I love and miss you so much, Saida-hon.
Hey Sarah… Do you know that you post a story here… it is called “life”… it is the story of moving on… remembering, yearning for things past even in the present joys… It is hard to leave behind a ‘beautiful place’ where there were ‘beautiful people’, family, genuine deep relationships, fun, a coming of self… the years after I left, there was an emptiness… I realized however that that is what I wanted in life… ‘beautiful places’ with ‘beautiful people’ with a passion for God… the hardest thing for me was going back the year after I graduated and realizing that my time had come and passed there… I then felt very sad… yet I realized that you take those times with you and in a way it adds something to your life that people notice… “she has lived deeply” is what others may see… Passed times can be a blessing in present times… a realization that God gives you those times, they are an incredible blessing… something you can take with you through life… times to cherish… you may or may not have that again true, but other things await you with their own blessings and difficulties. To live is Christ! To die is Gain!
Pain adds new dimensions to joy.