I've heard it said by peers who have also left places and people behind often in their lives that there comes a numbness after a while, a desensitivity to good-byes and pain and grief. I wish, sometimes, that that was my tendency. I have never been able to long ignore the pain of saying good-bye, and often I probably anticipate it way too far in advance. I wish I could possibly convey the thoughts and emotions of leaving home for the "final" time. So many have told me that it can't possibly be the last time; I don't really care. As far as being the home of my entire family, it's over. Maybe I'll return one day, but that's beside the point. If your family has ever uprooted from a dear home, you'll know the finality that I feel. At least I can be assured that, whenever I feel incapable of deep emotion, I have only to return to Germany and I will once more feel deeper than I ever could wish to feel.

Thankfully, in the years since I graduated, the feelings have changed. I do feel more joy and less poignant grief; I am able to enjoy places for themselves, as opposed to just facing raw memories of what once was. Is it possible that that joy adds a new dimension to pain? Have you ever felt hurt by happiness? I guess it can't be described, only lived.

So many new memories have been added to the old ones as well. Sonne, wildflower bouquets, campfires and smores, siedler von catan and zug um zug, running, stargazing, basel and bridges, lacoste, grad, kirchwasser ice cream, difficult e-mails, packing, crying, saying good-bye, leaving. It would almost be comforting to know that I am the only person in the world who experiences such things. That would legitimize prolonged grief and an innate resistance to moving on. But I can't. I must look forward to new hallways and new joys and new people. Some people naturally look towards the future with hope and excitement, always assuming it will be better than the past. I admit that I am not one of those people. It is a struggle to see a better future when the past has been so grand. I wish there was a switch inside of me that would change this part of me, but it remains a struggle and a battle.

I've been given too much time to think, perhaps. I am just processing, and sharing only the tip of the iceberg of my thoughts and struggles. I'm not looking for comments, by the way. Please don't tell me that you know how I feel, because it's not true, and doubtless I have no idea how you feel, either. But I definitely applaud you if you actually reached the end of this terribly long post.

the colors of my xanga must soon change. they remind me too much of cotton candy and circuses.

still slowly packing, but doing well. i have two awful finals tomorrow, and have only half-heartedly studied for one of them. "half-heartedly" pretty well describes my current attitude as i await going home...

I HATE PACKING.

packing. it's taking forever. why do i always envision it as being so much easier?

just two finals left, and then my junior year of college will be officially complete. in the meantime, i have a banquet, a dsg dessert, i'm singing with some other ladies in church, studying in a coffee shop somewhere in chicago, and some serious packing! i'm SO excited to go home.

the weather today is gorgeous. i sat in front of edman chapel this morning and journaled in the warm spring sunshine. i am surrounded by such beauty, and i could imagine that life is perfect and the future is spotlessly bright. then the Lord reminds me of the frailty of life and i think of Taylor U's tragedy. friends at taylor, i am praying for you. your loss breaks my heart.

i must go to my last body comp class of the year. we are getting back our final body measurements, and will see our before and after pictures for the first time ever. it just makes the culmination of this semester seem even more real!

reformation test in less than half an hour! not feeling especially prepared...it's all essay, a sort of nebulous topic: "the outcome of the reformation." how about lots of bloody wars and cruel and unusual punishments?

i feel almost to the completion of school, and i'm really excited.

ten days, two essays, two finals, and one exam to go! hooray!

and my body composition class is now complete! though let's just say that it might take my body some time to get used to eating real food again...

well, the aforementioned bloody paper is now complete. i spent all of friday and saturday co-chairing the security council for a high school conference held on campus by wheaton's model un team. i'm not part of the class but just volunteered...something that, i'll admit, i wondered why i did when i reached the end of saturday, but it was fun. some of our representatives said some of the funniest things (often not on purpose). isaac and i had a blast, but i'm sure glad it's over.

i'm on a no sodium diet now through tuesday morning. our final after pictures and measurements are taken tuesday morning, so by avoiding sodium we loose water weight, which is supposed to make everything look better. we'll see. i had the worst headache yesterday, and i think it might be the no sodium thing. i'm only making it because i know it's only a couple of days. and i have to admit, i'm enjoying all the fruit i want and strawberry mini-wheats, which are also sodium free. =] it's hard to believe that our six-days-a-week workout is over, and that, starting tuesday, i won't have anyone to report to about my diet and sleep.

ohhhhhhhhh man. this bloody paper is killing me. i want it to be over. right now. but i think i'm only about halfway finished.